I wrote and performed this while a graduate student at UW-Madison. It can be adapted to any local academic environment quite well (lots of lines ending in “ist”). I can’t quite remember all the targets I took aim at in those days, but I’m sure they all deserved it. 🙂

[To the tune of “I’ve got a little list” (Mikado – Gilbert and Sullivan)]
[By Mark Wilson 1992 – first performed September 1992]

As some day it may happen that the budget must decay,
I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list,
Of mathematical offenders who might well be sent away,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!

There’s the pestilential lecturers who won’t define their terms,
Like CLT-groups, n-jets and biholomorphic germs .
All speakers who can’t tell the time or see you’re there no more,
All speakers who wish earnestly to chitchat with the floor,
And the picture-drawing low-dimensional topologist,
They’d none of ’em be missed – they’d none of ’em be missed!

CHORUS. He’s got ’em on the list – he’s got ’em on the list,
And they’ll none of ’em be missed – they’ll none of them be missed.

There’s the nonsmoking crusader and the others of his race,
And the all-but physicist – I’ve got him on the list!
All category jugglers who would live in twistor space,
They never would be missed, they never would be missed!
The people who embark on proofs without hypotheses,
Insert, delete and alter them in any way they please.
The hapless student who believes on every single day,
“if P yields Q then Q yields P”, and then demands an ‘A’.
And those singular anomalies, applied set theorists,
I don’t think they’d be missed – I’m sure they’d not be missed!

CHORUS. He’s got them on the list – he’s got them on the list,
And I don’t think they’d be missed – I’m sure they’d not be missed!

And that outgrowth of heuristics who the calculus would save,
The nonstandard analyst – I’ve got him on the list!
All axiom-stretchers, lemma freaks, and definition slaves,
They’d none of ’em be missed – they’d none of ’em be missed.
And insufferable support staff of an antisocial kind,
Such as what-d’ye call her, thing-em-bob, and likewise – never mind.
And ‘St-‘St-‘St- and What’s-her-name, and also You-know-who –
The task of filling in the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ’em be missed – they’d none of ’em be missed!

CHORUS. You may put ’em on the list – you may put ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed – they’ll none of ’em be missed!